Choose your apocalypse blogfest

 

Today is the choose your apocalypse  apocalypse blogfest!

In my version the skies darken, the animals go nuts, the power goes off, just like all the stuff in the movies... EXCEPT in my version really loud Justin Beiber music is transmitted through all electrical outlets 24 hours a day, louder than even the best ear plugs can dull.  The music causes your brain to slowly die, turning you into a zombie. 

Estimated time of the first Zombie transformation is 3 hours into BeiberFest.  

If you hear Beiber music, grab whatever you can carry - bottled water, first aid kits, canned food, extra food, blankets, books, candles, knives, crossbows etc, and head as far away from civilization as you can.  Avoid all forms electricity.  Find a quiet lake and camp out.

Daryl Dixon eventually saves the planet by taking care of Beiber.

Day of the Do Over

Its the 2nd annual Day of the Do Over.  I'm going to take you back in time to April 29th, 2010, to a post I like to call How to read my thoughts.  The original post got 3 comments :)

After 32 years, it finally occurred to me not everyone gets what I’m thinking! I spend a lot of time in my own head and I’m always surprised when people look at me funny like they don't know where I'm coming from. 

So, here's a little help with how to read my thoughts:

1. Silence: If I’m quiet, I'm thinking about something to say. I often think things and just forget to say them out loud, or I think I said them out loud and you are too stunned to answer me, there is always a great monologue going on up there. 

2. Eye twitch. You're talking about something that makes me somewhat uncomfortable. By somewhat I mean VERY. You can stop.

3. Shooting lasers with my eyes. You have to be paying attention to catch this, it looks very similar to rolling my eyes, just more animated, I want to hurt you. Stop doing whatever it is you're doing before the laser beams get you.

4. Look of disbelief. This is “I can’t believe I'm hearing what I'm hearing right now”, probably means I'm ticked, and if you continue to talk I'm going to start shooting daggers. Could also mean I think you are making this shit up.

5. Walk away. This means, the conversation sucks and I'm done listening. Or I had to go to the bathroom. You chose.

6. Come here. Can only mean one of two things, I have a brilliant idea or you've done something not so right. Either way, it's probably your fault for saying the idea during the conversation in my head aka silence.

7. Listening. We're getting somewhere, keep talking.

8. The look away. Any second now I'm going to start talking over you. Think about what you're saying and choose your carefully, I'm about to butt in. OR if its a very quick look away and look back, our evil plot is about to be foiled and I'm checking for listeners.

9. The snicker. HaHa you're funny. If this is accompanied with me tapping my fingers together ala Mr Burns, there is a scheme hatching upstairs so one of us is about to get into trouble.

10. Sleeping. Most of the best conversations happen when I'm asleep, but they are usually the most foolhardy. If I ever mutter the phrase "I had the best idea while I was sleeping". RUN

Dawn of the walking dead

Before I have my morning happy juice, I can easily be mistaken for a walker.  I stomp around the house with bits of leftover drool hanging from the corners of my mouth, balls of yellow sleep threatening to glue my eyes shut, hair uncombed and wildly knotted, unable to communicate in anything other than a string of unintelligible groans.

The pfft, shhh, splatt of caffeine sloshing down into my mug and the bitter aroma of the black liquid slowly beckon me back to humanity.  I know enough to slap two slices of bread into the toaster and push them down.

Slurppp...

The hot black liquid sloshes over my tongue, jolting my heart back to its normal rhythm.  The smell of slightly burnt toast permeates the air.  Still sluggish, I clumsily slather on the last of the homemade cherry jam and hoist it towards my mouth.

Chomp...

Splat!!!

Ahhhh....

All eyes are on the prize!  In one corner weighing in at 22.5 pounds Tina the Bean.   In the other corner lights flashing, Robot Vacuum.  Rounding off the competition is 1/2 zombie.   The tension is mounting, its going to be a tight race.

   

The winner is..... ME!  Zombie or not, its the LAST of the homemade cherry jam!  I'm not above eating floor toast.

  

they're not supposed to be funny....

Last night we're all in watching tv, the fire place is on, the dog is snoring in the corner.  At the exact moment the movie quiets:

PPPPPPFFFFHHHHTTT

Like a single note from kiddo's trumpet.

PPPPPPFFFFHHHHTTT

The dog springs up, woof! woof! She's ready to defend us from the noise.  It hits her, she stops, sniffs the air, reaches her head around and smells her own butt.  Satisfied she has located the source of the loud noise, she circles around her bed and settles back down.  Never mind the scent.

Gagging, and crawling toward the other side of the room, waving her hand violently to get the stinky air away form her face, kiddo pipes up "Ugh, Tina you couldn't even leave the room!  Mom, she smelled her own arse!  Why would she do that?!  Ugh dog what did you eat?!"

I was laughing so hard, it wasn't until hours later I was reliving the moment (sans scent) that I realized, kiddo said the word "arse" and I didn't correct her.

I know - farts aren't supposed to be funny, except they are.  They're hysterical, especially when your dog does it so loud it wakes her up!

PPPPPPFFFFHHHHTTT

Now I just have to decide if I'm okay with 13 year old kiddo using the word arse.

they're under attack

Long weekends usually mean I head out to my parents, this weekend was no exception.  We were all settled down to watch a movie when...

“AGGGHHHH!!!  Come here. Quick!  HURRY!  Get it!" echoed through the halls.

Seriously.  For a woman who raised four daughters she shouldn't be squeamish about little critters. When a spider is anywhere near, my mother’s reaction is beyond heebie jeebies, its one of genuine fear.  She jumps up from where she is, stops what she’s doing, and can focus on nothing else until the beast flushed out to sea.

Since no one in the room was willing to bludgen the beast with half a sheet of paper towel, my mother and sister grabbed the nearest glass and trap the eight legged ogre beneath its dome. 

Certain their safety has been restored, the movie resumes, eyes flickering back to the bowl to be sure it did not escape.

You don't want to know what happens when a butterfly invades the house.

9 things I Forget

I was having my tea this morning, and I noticed an old scar near my ankle. For the life of me I can't recall how I got that scar. Throughout the day I've been trying to remember other things I've forgotten over the years... this is what I've come up with so far:

1. How to speak french.
2. The order of the books in the Old Testament.
3. The last time I cleaned my oven.
4. How to read sheet music.
5. Why I signed up for that Zellers credit card.
6. What it was like to be able to eat fries without feeling guilty.
7. The entire semester of Calculus I took in university.
8. Why I ever thought Perfect Strangers was a great tv show.
9. Who stopped laughing first and explained to me what a boner was.

The mailman never comes on time...

Last week my sister and I took place in an online auction for some Newfoundland Art Prints. We won on the same day, we paid on the same day and the prints were shipped on the same day. Hers were delivered yesterday.

Today should be my day.... perfect, I'm not working today.

All morning I'm perched in a chair with the best view of both the driveway and the door, waiting.

The minute I give in to my bladder, waddle off to the washroom and drop my pants, the doorbell rings. Seriously, the mailman could not have been timed better!

By the time I pulled my pants back up and got to the door, all that was there was the parcel pick up slip telling me my package will be available tomorrow after 3pm.

Stupid 3 cups of coffee, made me miss my prints.

Santa can you hear me?

Dear Santa, I've been a decent parent this year. I've fed kiddo, forced her to bathe, bribed her to clean her room, tackled seventh grade homework, reminded her to floss her teeth, hugged her plenty(but only if no one is watching), listened to hours of trumpet practice, cleaned up vomit, and tried not to embarrass her too much. I've also been a great wife, I mean I love husband, but you should try living with him.

I know I haven't written to you in quite sometime, but this year, I would really like:

1) Someone Else's Husband (just for a weekend) - more specifically, a husband who will fix and move things on demand without complaint.

2) A Nerd - preferably one that can explain math and science, write speeches and knows his way around any computer issues I may encounter.

3) An IV - one that can pump me full of caffeine in the morning, and wine in the evening.

4) A waist - mine seems to have disappeared over the years.

5) A money tree - I have planted many over the years, but they have yet to blossom.

Oh, and Santa, if you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows/walls and screens; a radio that only plays adult music(no hip hop); a TV that doesn't broadcast shows containing talking animals; and please get kiddo and husband all the things on their lists.


Please eat your own cookies this year, my butt does not need them.

Your friend,
Baygirl32 - Dawn

What do they have in common?

Look carefully at the following characters....


Captain Hook - 1 handed pirate antagonist of Peter Pan.


Ned Flanders - Sickenly cheerful fundamentalist Christian, next door neighbor to Homer Simpson.


Sgt. Floyd Pepper - Bass player in the Muppet band 'Dr Teeth and the Electric Mayhem', a laid back character based on Pink Floyd and the Beatle's Sgt. Pepper.


Yosemite Sam - More moustache than face, longer than his arms, the only thing bigger would be his cowboy hat.


Mr Potato Head - the most popular vegetable toy in the world.


Husband


What do they all have in common? Lip Sweaters!

This is husband's second go at Movember, the month-long celebration of the moustache, highlighting men’s health issues - specifically prostate and testicular cancer. A Mo Bro starts Movember – the month formerly known as November – clean shaven, and grows a moustache all month long, garnering support from friends and family.

I can't wait until shaving day!

to my carpet...

They said you were dirty,
all your stains they show.
Time to get you cleaned
so no one will know

You’re not even black yet
just a dull dingy grey,
but they're coming to clean you.
Today, of all days

Oh carpet, dear carpet
with messes soaked in
I feel I mistreated you,
she says with a grin

Out dirt, dust, beer
and dog accidents too.
You'll be nice and clean
after your professional shampoo.


House was listed on Wednesday and we've had two showings so far, can I say MAJOR pain in the arse. Let's hurry up and get this puppy sold so we can get back to Newfoundland!

20 Questions with a Cashier

I know, I know.. bad BAD baygirl! This whole moving this is a pain in the arse (I would say a good pain, but honestly is there a such thing as a good pain in the arse? Mind you there are people into some freaky stuff...)

Anyway, husband and I are getting the house ready to be listed, and the chore list seems to be never ending, the roof needed new shingles after that nasty wind storm a few months ago, the shower needed to be re-grouted, the baseboards needed to be painted and replaced, the ceilings needed to be painted, the garage cleaned, the gardens weeded, the carpets shampooed, and all that painting... ugh

For each "little" task we complete comes another trip to the do-it-yourself store, and a round of 20 questions with the cashier...

{insert cute cheery tone here} “Hi…do you have one of our new INCENTIVE cards yet? It will only take a minute to sign you up, so you can start receiving special discounts; which includes 2.5% off anything you purchase today. It will also entitle you to free gifts and good karma throughout the entire year.”

"It will only take a second….ready?"

1) Name?
2) Mailing address?
3) Email?
4) Home phone?
5) Work phone?
6) Cell phone?
7) Fax number?
8) Social insurance number?
9) Banking PIN number?
10) Blood type?
11) Can you say the alphabet backwards while standing on your head?
12) Would you like us to send you samples in the mail?
13) When would be the best time to call and inconvenience you?
14) Do you collect frequent flyer miles?
15) Do you own or rent your home?
16) Who would you like to be in your next life?
17) How much money do you make?
18) What size shoe do you wear?
19) Would you also be interested in opening a store credit card with a 0% interest rate for the year; after which will only be increased to 49.8%?
20) And finally...have you ever wanted to slap someone?"

Note to self: if I ever get married a second time, pick someone handy or rich so I don't have to do this fix-up stuff again.

The real estate agent comes tomorrow, I'm hoping for a quick sale!

2 points for husband

Husband and I went for a drive yesterday (an excuse to get out of the house and crank the air conditioner). I don’t know how it started, but somehow the following conversation happened:

Me: You’re lucky to have me.
Husband: Oh yeah, why now?
Me: Well, no one else would put up with you.
Husband: Really? I thought that was you?
Me: Nope! I'm perfect, I could have my choice of whoever I want.
Husband: So, what you're saying is that when we first met, I desperate but you weren't?
Me: Yep! that’s what I’m saying. No one else wanted you.
Husband: Well that explains everything!

Kiddo bust out laughing in the back seat, "2 points for Dad!"

Guess it backfired just a little.

Important lessons in toe safety

1. Never, NEVER wear flip flops while swinging a hammer; flip flops do not rank high in safety footwear.
2. When someone, especially a medical professional, tells you that something is going to hurt. It will. ALOT! Brace yourself.
3. Always seek medical attention when you are injured (even if that means having to admit to yourself that you are indeed hurt).
4. Pain killers may make you feel funny, but in reality they make you UNfunny to everyone else.
5. Always have a way to contact your husband in case of emergency. I am carefully teaching the dog how to use the phone.
6. Toes should never be taken for granted.
7. Hammers are evil.

It has taken me thirty-something years, a dropped hammer, and a blackened toe nail to learn these lessons... I will not make the same mistake twice I tell ya.

worth 4000 words?

You know the saying, "A picture is worth 1000 words"? Well here are 4 pictures! These were emailed me to me from a friend living in St. John's...










That would be a car with an ATV on the roof, going down one of the busiest streets in the Provence!

I miss home!

I'm turning into me Mudder! (a re-post)

I posted this last year for mother's day, and it got 2 comments (thanks Robyn and Ms A). Since mom is here with me today, and we're out beating the path - craft fair, shopping, drinking beer and the like, I'm re-posting...

In honour of mother's day, I've compiled a list of phrases frequently used by my mother while I was growing up. As I was writing them down, I realized that I have used about 90% of these when talking to kiddo and husband!


Dawn, get your feet off the counter.
If it had teeth it would bite you.
Ask your father (closely followed by "Ask your Mother")
Who do you think you are?
Bored! How can you be bored?
I'll treat you like an adult when you start acting like one!
Look at me when I'm talking to you.
Did you flush?
Don't you roll your eyes at me!
We’re not doing anything tomorrow, so don’t bother waking up.
Don't pick it, it'll get infected.
Please close your mouth when you chew.
Don't put the chips back in the bowl after you've licked them.
Where are your clothes?
I don't care if "insert friend;s name here" Mother said yes.
You'll put your eye out with that thing!
I hope your kids act just like you!
I'm going to give you to the count to three.
Don't put that in your mouth, you don't know where it's been.
Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you get in an accident.
Dawn, stop hitting your sister when she's sleeping.
Don't cross your eyes like that, one day they'll freeze that way.
I don't care who started it, I'll finish it!
Don't EVER let me catch you doing that again!
Why? Because I SAID SO, that's why!?!
The car is not a garbage can.
If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you jump too?
Good God, why is your room such a mess?
If I catch you doing that one more time, I'll...
If you can't say something nice, be quiet.
What if I spit in your soda?
DAAWWWNNN! (mine is the first name called when something goes wrong)
Your shirt is not a napkin.
How many times do I have to tell you, don't!!
How would you like it if someone stepped on you?
Do you think your clothes are going to pick themselves up?
"I don't know" is NOT an answer!
I know it's not fair. Life isn't fair.
Do you think its just going to fix itself?
I know you love all of the rocks, but we can only take one into the store today.





To all mom's, past, present and future...Happy Mother's Day!

To my own mom... Happy Mudder's Day, we love you!

too much tv?

Its basketball season, which means, that I have the bed pretty much to myself. Husband use excuses like "I'll be up to bed when I hear your school books hitting the floor", or "I'll let you get comfortable for a while, and then I'll be up" or something vaguely along those lines. I'm not complaining or anything, its nice to lie across the bed every once in a while without wandering hands.

So at some point in the early morning, I woke up to a violent kick in the shin.

Husband opened his eyes and asked if he just kicked my me. "Uhhh, YEAH, and quite hard too!" He apologized and rolled back over. Just as he was drifting off to sleep I hear him mumble:

"UGH! Lebron was holding my leg so I wouldn't get the shot. BUT, he started to tickle me, so I had to kick him off!!!"

Can't argue with the most ticklish man I know when he's 3/4 asleep, but hon, NO basketball tonight!

Are you trying to tell me something here?

I woke up this morning to this email form husband...from what I gather he's a bit upset that we ran out of toaster strudel, but I can't be 100% sure.

An Ode to Toaster Strudel

I woke up today the same as most mornings, to the deafening beep of the alarm clock you for some reason don't hear. I lay there and debated the tasks ahead of me, hating the idea shovelling of the snow that fell yesterday, and another coal inspection. I stumbled out of bed, and crawled blindly into the kitchen. When I got there and saw that the coffee pot was not pre-set I realized that, in fact, there IS a god, and that he wanted to offer me nothing but sadness for the remainder of the day. That is, until I opened the freezer and saw that beautiful orange box with the little dough boy on the front. Ummm, Toaster Strudel. Quick, warm, easy, wonderfully tasty pastry embracing bright red jam. If that's not enough, these breakfast sweets have a self administerable frosting topping, as if to say "Yes, I'm THAT delicious, but YOU can make me even better."

I reached up into the freezer to claim said Strudel as my own, and felt nothing. My hand desperately reached into the bottom of the box. "Perhaps they fell out of the box", I repeated to myself. After nearly 5 minutes of vacant searching I abandoned my quest and turned to the Cheerios. Apparently, the box had been left as a cruel trick to lure me into thinking that life had purpose.

I will miss you Toaster Strudel, even though I never met you.

P.S. kiddo had Cheerios too.

P.P.S. I might be home for lunch.

15 signs I have a problem

There’s this really sick thing happening to me. I’ve been noticing the symptoms more and more, and quite frankly, I don’t like it.

I’m growing older.

Want to know how I can tell?

1. As soon as 10pm comes, I start to yawn relentlessly.
2. I snap, crackle and pop in the morning as I climb out of bed.
3. I had a baby, I blinked, and suddenly there’s 11 year old kid in my house, and she's calling me "mom.”
4. I used to think plastic surgery was ridiculous. USED to. (socks and oranges, all I'm saying)
5. Thinking about what a food will do to the bowels after it is consumed seems normal. (for the record, Thai, Mexican and Indian cuisine do really bad things to mine)
6. All those things my mudder did/said when I was growing up, and I SWORE I would ?NEVER do", well I've done/said approximately 1/2 of them.
7. I haven't the slightest clue who Heidi Montag is or why her boobs make national news.
8. I have more than one grey hair. Damnit!
9. “I’m too sleepy.”
10. We talk about the weather. Yep, me and husband actually talk.about.the.weather.
11. Remember that time when we were at that place, doing that thing, with those people, and that thing happened?
12. Me either.
13. Staying home on a Friday or Saturday night no longer bums me out. I look forward to it.
14. 8am is considered sleeping in. Even on the weekends.
15. Going out drinking on a weeknight results in a deathly, dehydrated state the next morning.

Ah to be young again!

this round goes to husband...

Husband has a strange affinity for ju jubes. This scene takes place last night, I'm sprawled out on the upstairs couch studying for tommorrow's OSCE, when he wanders into the room carrying a bulk barn bag...

Husband: what colour

Me: orange, no green, maybe one of each.. just surprise me. (he passes me a handful) (me chomping on a red) ugh, fishies are WAY better

Husband: nope, swedish fish suck. Jubes are cheaper, and they're rubbery so you have to chew them more which means they last longer, and they're big, so you can only eat them one at a time, and..

Me: exactly, they're rubbery, do you have any idea how many filling I got?

Husband: that’s because you’re defective

Baygirl presents..... the porn stache

Its the last day for husband's face catapiller, and I can honestly say that I won't be sad to see it go. In honor of his month long dedication, I have gathered some info on the mouthbrow...

There is a whole line of products designed for the care of one's mustache, including mustache wax, mustache nets (snoods), mustache brushes, mustache combs, mustache condoms, mustache curb-feelers, mustache scissors AND a mustache cup. (The is a drinking cup with a partial cover to protect the upper lip from froth)

There are many thick, rich and delicious mustache styles





The Dali - narrow, long points bent or curved steeply upward; areas past the corner of the mouth must be shaved. Artificial styling aids needed.

The English - narrow, beginning at the middle of the upper lip the whiskers are very long and pulled to the side, slightly curled; the ends are pointed slightly upward; areas past the corner of the mouth usually shaved. Artificial styling may be needed, especially if you are, actually, English.

The Fu Manchu - long, downward pointing ends, generally beyond the chin.

The Pancho Villa - similar to the Fu Manchu but thicker; also known as a "droopy mustache"

The Handlebar - bushy, with small upward pointing ends.

The Horseshoe - Often confused with the Fu Manchu style, the horseshoe was possibly popularized by modern cowboys and consists of a full mustache with vertical extensions from the corners of the lips down to the jawline and resembling an upside-down horseshoe.

The Imperial - whiskers growing from both the upper lip and cheeks, curled upward

The Moustachio - bushy mustache, with hair sometimes growing down the sides of the mouth.

The Taylor- a thin row of fine dark hairs along the upper lip.

The Pencil mustache - narrow, straight and thin like a pencil, closely clipped, outlining the upper lip, with a wide shaven gap between the nose and mustache.
Office model – favored by middle managers who live in fear of doing anything unusual.

The Toothbrush or Dictator - thick, but shaved except for about an inch (2.5 cm) in the center; associated with Adolf Hitler and Charlie Chaplin.

The Walrus - bushy, hanging down over the lips, often entirely covering the mouth.

The GG - bushy hair grown only over the corners of the mouth, shaved in the middle.

Without further delay, I present husband's nose foilage... the 1970`s porn stache