I murdered it... :(

There are hundreds of tutorials on how to open pomegranates on pinterest, youtube and the cooking network I'm sure you've probably seen Jamie Oliver make it look oh so simple - score the flesh, gently pry it apart and pound it with a spoon; child's play.

WELL, as it turns out I'm not a child and its not that simple!

My kitchen looks like pom-agedden!  There is sticky red juice all over the place, seeds are littered over the floor and my shirt is soaked with little red droplets.  Husband if you are reading this, hand print marking the roll of paper towel is not my blood, but that of slaughtered pom. 

How many hot dogs does it take to....?

Growing up I lived in a home with my mother, father, three sisters, my grandmother and my grandfather.  Essentially, I had two sets of parents.  Which had some really, really, really good points.  That is, until I moved out of the house and realized that I had NO idea how to do any domestic chores - cooking, cleaning, laundry was always done for me.

The first time I cooked a turkey, I must have called home at least 3 times for help, and still managed to cook that bird with the bag of bits still inside it.    My raisin buns will never taste like my grandmother's.  My mom has a solution for just about everything.

About a year ago, I got a phone call from my father that went a little something like this:

me: "hello"
dad: "how many hot dogs does it take to make lasagna?"
me: ".????????"  stunned silence
dad: "how many hot dogs does it take to make lasagna?"
me "??????????" stunned silence


Translation:  my mother was visiting my sister in town, my father was hungry and home alone.  What he really wanted to know was how many times did me need to push the 'hot dog' button on the microwave in order to thaw and heat the frozen lasagna my mother had left for him.

I will never forgot how gobsmacked I was when I answered the phone.  Love you dad.



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I'm that kid of girl!

I'm the kid of girl who wears snowman pajamas in the summer while wearing 2.5 inch red leather heels and drinks wine while sweeping the floor...

Know why? Because its my Birthday and I can do whatever I want :)

Knitting.... :(

Knitting is stupid, and I hate its stupid guts.

I'm spending the remainder of my day unknotting something for the fun! I didn't need any new washcloths, anyway.

And no, I am not hiding broken knitting needles behind my back, its something else totally unrelated. (pout)

Do you see what I see?

See anything wrong with this picture?


How about now?



That would be my cell phone. I misplaced it in a foggy coffee-deprived state this morning. The battery died. Despite several dozen trips to the pantry throughout the day and countless seconds of searching I could not find it! Kiddo waltzes into the pantry for 1 second and its staring out at her.

Almost there!

Christmas is right around the corner. Want to know how I can tell?

Our gingerbread house is standing!

The accompanying tree, well he was not so fortunate, you see, the house came pre-assembled while the tree was not. Mr Tree, now resides partially in my tummy. (He was tasty.)

Not today.

You know those mornings when you roll out of bed and you can just tell that its NOT going to be your day, but you just stumble forward anyway? Well forget it! I'm going back to bed!

What am I doing wrong?

Why is it that EVERY time I boil an egg this happens?

Prehaps clearer instructions next time?

Background - I am on day three of a stupid detox diet, which means I am STARVING, and, I am paying extra close attention to every piece of fruit and starch husband and kiddo pop into their mouths.



This is the new Tim Horton's s'mores donut - chocolate donut, chocolate fondant, covered with mini marshmallows & graham crumbs (there many even be mini chocolate chips on this sucker, I'm not sure, I won't allow myself to be within biting distance.)

So back to where I was going with this....

Last night after supper, I sitting on the couch with my tea pretending to study. Err, minding my own business, when husband and kiddo bound into the room each chomping on one of the above donuts. My stomach lets out a roar that would scare when the bravest soul.

Girgle Giirgle Girgle.... I want a donut!

"Kiddo, could you please get mom something green to snack on." I ask.

Sensing the desperation in my voice, kiddo leans over me and lays her donut on the side table before spinning on her heels and bounding in to the kitchen, dog chasing at her heels. Leaving me sitting next to her s'morey temptation while watching husband unlatch his jaw and swallow his donut whole.

Kiddo returns in what feels like an hour. With a whole green pepper....

"What? Kiddo, a whole green pepper?"

"Well," she replies "this is green. You did ask for something green, and Bean thought it was a good idea."

"What do you mean, Bean thought it was a good idea?"

"Well, Tina Bean got excited when she saw it, and when I let her smell it, she kept licking it."

"Owwww... Did you wash it after the dog was finished licking it?"

She shrugs, husband laughs.

I throw the pepper back to her, "Wash this off an put it back in the fridge, my appetite is gone."

This is the point when I remember the unwashed supper dishes in the kitchen sink, take my now empty mug and head to the kitchen.

Kiddo is standing in front of the sink, dog by her feet, washing the pepper IN the sink, WITH the dirty dishes! gaww

"Kid, what are you doing?"

She rolls her eyes, "Washing the pepper like you told me too."

What died in here?!

The past few days it has gotten warmer again, the sun is shining, jackets have been replaced by hoodies, the snow is gone and the car hasn't been sleeping in the garage. This morning as I climbed into my car, I was assaulted by an unusual stench. My first thought was that husband had let one go, so I attempted to be a good wife, and didn't say anything, just nonchalantly rolled down the window and dropped him off at work.

With husband out of the vehicle, I rolled the windows back up and popped onto the highway. Well, b'y the jumpins, that smell was still there.

I hate the windows down on the highway, so it made for a rather interesting 25 minute commute. The whole while trying to figure out what had climbed in my car and passed away, not breath and watch where I was going at the same time.

I pulled into the school parking lot and debated if I really wanted to know what was lurking under the seats. I mustered up the courage to look, half expecting a green sandwich, instead I got..

A COFFEE MUG! Yep, one of my missing travel mugs. Seems 'someone' accidentally left something in the mug and hide it under the seat to grow mold. It was so vile that the lid was stuck on.

Now I'm not going to point fingers, or lay blame (because I'm trying to be a better wife for lent) but kiddo doesn't drink coffee, and I don't lose things.

Gingerbread near fail

Before I begin this tale, I would like to take an opportunity to state that I don't think I have done anything as frustrating. EVER.

I open the box and am immediately hit with the fact that its not a pre-built house. But, I think, how hard can it be, kids make these things at school.

Step 1 mix icing. Ok, that should be pretty simple. Nope! I added the exact amount the stupid instructions called for, it was the consistency of toothpaste. Just like toothpaste it dripped all over the place. This toothpaste did very little for the walls and they kept falling apart. Rather than tossing the whole thing in the garbage, I skipped a bunch of steps and iced the roof pieces. Then decided to take a break.

I guess taking a break is not allowed in gingerbread land, because by the time I went back into the kitchen, that stupid toothpaste icing had turned into cement. {insert a bunch of swearing here}

Husband heard the cursing, saw the mess and kicked me out of the kitchen.

Don't know how he did it, but about 20 minutes later, the house is done and kiddo is smiling!



Moral of the story... if you're making gingerbread house, make sure its pre-built, and don't let me touch it.

Queen of domestic ungodliness

Yesterday, several long hours of studying for exams, I decided to take a break. Husband had just left for the airport (some work thingy up north), kiddo tucked lovingly into bed, and the dog in from her last potty break.

But, I guess relaxation is was not in the cards and I got to tidying up. Watering the flowers, washing the dishes, vacuuming the floors, and getting a head start on today's lunch.

2 hours later, lunch was burnt, kiddo was wide awake there was a pile of towels on the kitchen floor, a giant bruise on my arse a swollen ankle and a fried TV.

How you ask?

I had popped my ear phones in and filled up the watering can. Then I turned on the oven and ran the water for the dishes. Thinking it would only take a second to run into my bedroom and water the plants in there, I left the water running, but the nasty plant while I hanging above the television in my bedroom decided to overflow, sending water down into my TV. By the time I got back to the kitchen the sink was running too long and the floor was wet.

So, I grabbed a handful of towels from the closet and tossed them on the floor, the same exact second the fire alarm began to sound. Causing the dog to start barking which wokr up kiddo. Frustrated, I decided to return the vacuum to the laundry room, but I tripped on the cord and fell down the stairs.

There you have it. Queen of household chores, I am not.

Ungrateful wife that I am

He thinks I should show more appreciation....



At least he did the dishes.

coco you're making me nuts

After clinic tonight I had to stop into the grocery store for some milk, and I decided I deserved a treat. So off to the produce section I went(I hate dieting!) It came down to dragon fruit, lychee, coconut or star fruit~ those fruit that are tasty but for some reason or other I never purchase. After much deliberation, coconut was the winner.

I get my coconut home and realize I have NO idea how to open it. On TV the just kind of hack the tops off with a machete, but I don't own a machete. I own a hammer and a screwdriver. See where this is going?

Screwdriver goes into one of the coconut's 'eyes', hammer wields up to knock the screwdriver. Swing. ^&*%#@! Hammer comes down on my thumb, coconut onto the floor, husband laughs.

Now, I recall the reason I don't buy coconuts on a regular basis. When the throbbing calms down and the cussing subsides I'm going after Mr Coconut with a saw, or a stick of dynamite! (unless husband cracks it first)

Honey, I'm home

Kiddo and I got back from our Newfoundland vacation yesterday, which means husband was home alone for more than two weeks.

 

I know that basketball wasn't in the bathroom when I left!

Newfoundland confessions

I don't know if its the salt air in my lungs, my family around, the fact that I haven't cooked since I got to Newfoundland, or just the shear pleasure of being home, but today I decided to dome something I haven't done in my 33 years! I made me some raisin tea buns.





I would like to take this opportunity, to make a confession... I DID have some help. Turns out that me mudder got a new stove since the last time I was here, and it also turns out that I do not know how to use the new one.

I followed the recipe to the letter, hit the timer and popped the buns in to cook. 10 minutes later my sister and her two kids arrive. "What are you at? You needs to turn ON the oven for stuff to cook."

20 minutes after me sister turned on the oven, they were cooked, and they were delish!

Its me!

I am the woman who hides her Husband's shoes because she tripped over them at the TOP OF THE FREAKING STAIRS for the billionth time.

Downstairs, in the laundry room, under the sink, behind the mop bucket.... hehehe

(did I mention its mid-term week and I'm so frazzled I could pull out my hair?)

All I did was THINK about baking and look what happened!

A girl in my class gave me a recipe today, for what she is calling "the best chocolate banana bread ever", assuring me that there is no possible way I can mess it up if I follow the recipe and don't over beat anything. Since she was nice enough to hand write out the recipe on a pretty little card I told her I would try making it this weekend. So on the way home, I pull into the grocery shop and make sure I have everything I need.

I get home and....



the bananas have committed suicide! Just the thoughts of my baking with them, pushed them over the edge...